I Am the Very Model of a Pretentious Anime Fan
Back in 2013 when Free! was announced, a bunch of doofuses got upset about it. That inspired me to write this parody of “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General,” from The Pirates of Penzance by Gilbert and Sullivan. I’ve finally taken the time to post it here on Medium. For best results, read while playing the embedded backing track below. Enjoy!
I am the very model of a pretentious anime fan,
I know my tastes are better ’cause I worship everything Japan,
I mock the shows that don’t fit in my narrow view of what is good,
But in all likelihood that’s because I’ve simply misunderstood.
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I only watch with subtitles because I know that all dubs suck,
The English voices sound like someone tried to strangulate a duck,
What’s worse is that the same handful of voice actors are all you hear,
I know that Japanese seiyuu are so much more superior.
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I pass hasty judgment on shows that were just days ago green-lit,
From hearing a mere summary I can tell what will be pure shit,
In short, my tastes are better ’cause I worship everything Japan,
I am the very model of a pretentious anime fan.
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I bitch about the translations in fansubs I download each day,
Disregarding hard work by those who contribute despite no pay,
I nitpick word choice and complain when honorifics are left out,
That fansubs aren’t even legal isn’t a fact I care about.
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The official translations that get released are no better,
They ought to follow the original writing to the letter,
The scripts are riddled with changes to make the show more localized,
Why can’t they see that tiny alterations are widely despised?
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I pretend to understand what gives a show high quality,
I think it has to do with budget, rather than factors arty,
In short, my tastes are better ’cause I worship everything Japan,
I am the very model of a pretentious anime fan.
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When it comes to what shows animation companies should make,
Everything that they’ve done in recent years has been a big mistake,
Show after show filled with nothing but moe crap and fujoshit,
They’re pandering to tasteless fans and I will not abide by it.
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Watching characters have fun with one another makes me ill,
They stand around and hold dumb conversations that amount to nil,
Shallow romance, melodrama, complete lack of story and plot,
Just look at what the influx of new popularity has wrought.
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Despite all the complaints I make whenever I watch anime,
I know I’ll end up viewing every single damn show anyway,
But still, my tastes are best because I worship everything Japan,
I am the very model of a pretentious anime fan.
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